Bringing a baby into the world is an amazing feat full of wondrous, though not always wonderful things! The final trimester, in particular, is known for both it’s beauty and difficulties. Here is my list of third trimester woes and wonders, however, if you aren’t quite here yet, be sure to check out my other posts about pregnancy! “5 Pregnancy Side Effects to Fall in Love With” and “5 Things You Didn’t Expect About Morning Sickness.”
*Did I mention my vagina feels like it’s going to fall off?
All the weight of the baby, and let’s face it the extra Oreo’s I’ve been slamming, are putting a lot of pressure on my lady parts. By the end of the day it feels like gravity has been yanking on my Hoo-Ha all day. In fact, it has probably started sagging to at least mid thigh! SO SEXY. I kiss the kids goodnight from the couch because the fear of the thing falling off if I stand up one more time is just too real!
*Let the worry begin
As if we don’t have enough to think about, what with bringing a tiny human into the world that we are expected to keep alive and not turn into a serial killer, us preggo’s are also constantly bombarded by labor fears in our third trimester. No matter how many births you have been through, Google can F#*K up your whole outlook with one search! I won’t barrage you with a bunch of scary terms, but let’s just say STAY OFF GOOGLE!
It doesn’t matter how many children you have brought into the world, labor is still scary and it darn well should be! Worries about birth are totally normal and anyone who tells you it will be fine can suck an egg. It’s gonna suck, everyone knows it, but it will be worth it when you finally get to hold that tiny bundle of love.
*you want me to do What?!
As your due date nears, you may begin to feel a little desperate to evict your baby! No matter how scary labor seems, the thought of one more day pregnant can push women to do some pretty crazy things.
Sex is at the top of the list as a labor inducer. However, the thought of cramming something else UP THERE can be pretty daunting. Walking is also a pretty great way to start the process, but who wants to waddle around the neighborhood for hours while everyone stares and makes comments about how you shouldn’t be on your feet? I have also heard that caster oil, with it’s ability to create horrible diarrhea, can kick baby into gear…cause I really want to go into labor with the hershey squirts!
Considering how uncomfortable you are in the last few weeks of pregnancy, making yourself MORE miserable with some of these methods sounds pretty awful…however, if desperation sets in, I have had success with the first two methods!
There are these awesome nerves down by your Va-Jay-Jay that, as the baby gets bigger and more active, are periodically ignited into a firy storm of OW! A good solid push from your soon to emerge little one will cause these nerves to light up and feels much like your baby’s tiny hand is shoving through your cervix and into the open air…if your baby’s hand includes a three inch, sharpened finger nail. Nothing like seeing a pregnant woman suddenly yell in pain and grab her Hoo-Ha. “No, sorry, everything is fine, I think my baby’s hand just slipped out for a sec…” Gross.
*I wonder where my hoo-ha went?
As your baby grows bigger and bigger your belly slowly covers up all evidence that you ever had mommy parts! No manner of shifting or lifting will allow you prove that your Hoo-Ha hasn’t simply given up and walked away. This also means that shaving down there has become a feat worthy of Cirque du Soleil…for those of us that aren’t brave enough to wax up, our razors are suddenly terrifying instruments and the results are likely akin to a man trying to shave his bear in the dark…with the razor taped to his foot.
*Kicks and turns
Whether this is your first baby or your 9th, your final trimester will be full of movement from your baby. And it never gets old. Every kick, every sliding foot and jab into the ribs, is absolutely precious…even though it can hurt like a MOTHER! With each movement we know that baby is thriving and we are assured that we are doing at least something right. We treasure these moments no matter how often they come and will feel a little empty when those kicks finally come from the outside.
*Everyone WONDERS out loud about your belly
The third trimester equals a BIG belly as baby packs on the fat that makes it chubby and ready for the outside world. It also means EVERYONE and their mother has something to ask or comment on regarding your baby belly. For example, my almost 4 year old likes to imitate how “fat” I am and waddle around the house….Baby’s are exciting. Even for people who have nothing to do with your world, the thought of a new life is reason enough for joy. You may not like strangers touching your belly, but they will! You’ll also be asked your due date a few times each day, spout out the baby’s gender and name selection in answer to constant questions, and even filter out annoying, yet not ill-intentioned, comments about how BIG you are.
While the constant barrage can be hard on your already exhausted system, try to remember that those around you, strangers or not, are excited about your coming addition and mean no harm. Use their excitement to bolster yourself up for those last few weeks of back pain and stretch marks!
*My BOObs are awesome!
While your belly gets bigger your breasts will catch a ride on the baby train and perk up in girth as well! For those of you that already have hefty bossoms, this may be more of a woe than a wonder. However, for those of us who usually shop in the training bra section of the little girls department, the extra weight is much appreciated! I can suddenly fill out a shirt without a padded bra and find myself as fascinated with squeezing them as a man!