At the end of each year, every mother is excited for the start of a new year. It’s a time for planning trips, making resolutions, and of course for a new Mother Of The Year Contest!
The winner of this contest is the BEST mother in the world. This mother never yells, she smiles and guides her children with care; she is always well dressed with her hair coiffed and make-up carefully applied. This mother volunteers at all school events, attends PTO meetings with pride, knows her children’s teacher’s birthdays and brings coffee to the school office staff on cold, frosty mornings.
The Mother Of The Year never throws lunches together willy-nilly in the morning, she abhors yoga pants for anything other than her daily workout, her children are always squeaky clean and endlessly smiling…
One mother, this 2017, was desperate to win this coveted title. She planned so carefully, wrote out her goals and read books on anger management, time management, and how to survive on 2 hours of sleep and no real nutrition.
On January 1, 2017 she awoke to her alarm at 6:30am…she only hit snooze once. WIN!
With grand plans of making the perfect breakfast she waltzed into the kitchen to prepare eggs and bacon to find a soaking wet toddler on the floor. CALM, stay CALM, she told herself.
After searching the house she discovered the source of water to be the toilet….now overflowing with socks and a very large turd.
How does a small child manage to create such a mess before the sun even breaks the horizon!!??
A vein nearly popped in her head, but this mother kept her cool. She cleaned up the child, dealt with the turd and unclogged the toilet.
However, while she was elbow deep in poo, the eggs burned and the bacon withered to a chalky crisp…Fuck.
Have some cereal kids, this mother cooed, a wispy smile on her face.
She sat with her coffee and took deep breaths while her children fought over which spoon they wanted and yelled at each other for taking too much cereal, eating too slowly, touching each others hair…
When a large spoonful of cereal shot across the table into her much needed coffee, her calm broke and her voice rose….She sent the little demons to dress, to get away from her and each other.
This mother went to dress herself. She had grand goals of getting out of her sweats today, of looking like an actual human being.
She had forgotten that she never got to do HER laundry. She spent so much time on other people’s clothes that hers always remained dirty, or a wrinkled mess at the bottom of the clean pile.
Screw it. Yoga pants could look nice, and a comfy college hoodie would keep the cold at bay. Totally practical.
While she was getting dressed her oldest had hit his sister, the youngest had pulled off his diaper and pooped on the floor and the threenager had found scissors and cut his hair…
She’d been in her room for 4 minutes.
A firestorm or anger and exhaustion emerged. She yelled, then she cleaned up more poo while the children watched TV, the only thing they could do without messing with each other or something they weren’t supposed to. She cried into her cereal polluted coffee.
Mother Of The Year NEVER uses television….
She NEVER yells…
She NEVER has anything to cry about….
She is a FUCKING MYTH….