Momisms: Real Moms MOM So Hard

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“Mom” life is not glamorous; it’s not Mrs. Cleaver, 50’s perfect….In reality it’s full of “momisms”- those little nuances of motherhood that get moms through the day and prove that they are ‘REAL’ people and not like Caioo’s mom…who all REAL moms want to destroy…

#1 How real moms do dessert…

*Buy chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream because it is F-ing delicious.

*Sift through the  ice cream after putting your children to sleep and eat all the amazing balls of cookie dough.

*Laugh about the fact that you are “eating delicious balls.”

*Be sure to bask in your well deserved, happy moment after a full day of “momming.”

*On the  next dessert night, surprise your little munchkins with a special treat; Chocolate Chip Ice Cream!

#2 Real moms make lists better than nasa!

Gotta go to the grocery store, run errands, or have a bunch of chores to complete? Any mom out there can make you a “To Do” list that will rock your socks off. Said list will be organized into sections, it will contain boxes for completion check-marks, and may even include a sticker for when you’ve finished.

After a good 30 minutes creating the perfect list, Real Moms will head to the store leaving the list on their desk. Or they will begin their chores and lose their list in the washer while starting laundry…

Sometimes I burn my list in a fit of compete and utter anxiety over the amount of crap it contains…or forget that I made one on my phones ‘note’ feature.

No matter how the list is lost or destroyed, moms are left to fly by the seat of their pants and seem to always forget the ONE thing they actually needed at the store.

#3 HOw real moms do spaghetti night- hint: we run behind!

In order to catch up and be sure everyone gets to bed on time, moms bathe the baby early and feel accomplished when their shiny little one is all set for bed, smelling of love and lavender, before dinner has been put on the table. YES! I’M AHEAD FOR ONCE!

Then they see the pot of red sauce that will stain the perfect, light colored jammies they have just squished their little one into. They notice squigly noodles that will soon be squashed into all that lovely baby hair they just so lovingly cleaned.Momisms

F*ck! New plan, strip the kid down and eat naked so that the inevitable mess can be cleaned up by throwing the baby into the bath AGAIN and bedtime can be later than usual.

Have cookie dough ice cream for dessert after everyone stops crying and falls asleep.

#4 REAL moms wash, dry, fold, and put away at least one load of laundry every day and NEVER fall behind…

BWAHAHAHA! What a load of crap!

Momisms

In reality, real moms fall so behind on laundry a few times a year that they would rather buy new packs of socks and underwear for their little ones than face the lost sock monster residing in the mountain of clothes that have taken over the couch. In fact, this summer, I instructed my kids to wear sandals everyday rather than spend 3 hours matching socks for 5 kids and 2 adults…Proud mommy moment!

#4 Us real moms revel in the clickety-clack of teensy tinsy LEGGO’s zipping up the hose attachment of the vacuum.

All moms know the pain of stepping on these bricks of horror as well as the back breaking labor of trying to get them all cleaned up. They hide in the crease between the wall and the floor, under the couch, get squashed in cushions; they never reside at eye level where a mom’s back can catch a break!

Thus the vacuum attachment is our friend.  Moms everywhere laugh maniacally as they suck up those little plastic devils into their dark resting place, never to be stepped on again. We don’t even care that we are essentially sucking up $5 per brick or slightly creepy LEGGO head. Screw those little bastards!

Momisms

P.S.  Buy stock in the LEGGO company STAT.  We know at Christmas we’ll be replacing that 300 piece, 5 hour assembly required, LEGGO jet-powered-Batman-helicarrier (emphasis on the HELL) that we have managed to suck up over the last few months…

#5 Moms start off the school year like a boss!

You stock the fridge with healthy, single portion snacks that you have personally packed into BPA free containers. You write personalized little notes on each container to inspire your little ones to learn and be social butterflies. You have all their school things organized into special folders and keep your calendar, which you check every day, up to date, color coordinated and decorated with cute little stickers next to your perfect, calligraphy-like handwriting.

2 weeks later, the reality of motherhood kicks in. We are exhausted and cranky and have had it with homework already, much like our children. We buy bulk single serving chips, pudding packs, and non-organic applesauce. We print off notes from pinterest and pass them off as our own and, eventually, completely forget about them.

Our kids are fed and loved…but we’re not f*cking Martha Stuart on steroids and we certainly don’t get paid to try!

#6 Briber 101

Don’t get in a tizzy just yet, internet trolls, let me explain. Who am I kidding, go ahead a freak out, we aren’t F-ing perfect!

When moms are finally at the end of their rope regarding their children completing, or, f*ck, even STARTING their chores, they resort to KGB level measures. Knowing your children won’t do as they have been asked, let them know that if they finish in a timely manner with everything done to MOM’S standards, they will receive a treat. This will momentarily motivate them, but still nothing will get done to a satisfactory level.

On the off chance that your kids are rock stars and they DO complete their chores perfectly, then you take everyone to ice cream and sing halleluja!

All other, normal, moms, begin to “tsk tsk” and present a look of supreme sadness as they let their children know that they had been planning to go to the nearest amusement park as a reward for their hard work…but now they can’t, sniff sniff, all because the beds aren’t made and there are LEGGO’s everywhere. Boo-hoo…Muahahahaha!

#7 Throw Away Queens

Real moms will reach a point where they can’t stand the amount of crap that clutters their house. They will get in a tizzy and decide the clean out drawers and toy chests that overfilled and crammed with broken toys, clothes that are too small, and items that haven’t seen the light of day in a year.

These items will be stored in a trash bag for a month, just to be certain that no little children miss them and then they head to a donation center or the junk yard.

Everyone will  then immediately wonder where their FAVORITE shirt (that doesn’t fit them and hasn’t been worn in a year) has gone. They will cry about the dragon that they can’t find. The one that is missing a leg and was thrown in a tantrum because it doesn’t work and they don’t want it. They will ask where the dollar store, crap-tacular toys from a birthday party goody bag received last year have gone…..

F*ck it’s hard being a mom!

#8 Real Moms plan fun family outings that manage to F*ck with everyone else’s plans

All moms want to create memories with their kids. They want great photos at fun restaurants and to capture silly moments as their family trips over pumpkins around Halloween. Therefore we plan awesome family outings with money we don’t really have that we expect everyone will be as excited about as we are.

Us moms usually have high expectations about such outings that someone will ruin.

Inevitably our grand plans coincide with a favorite friends’ birthday extravaganza, a costume party at school, or favorite freaking TV shows airtime.

God forbid children be happy to be going somewhere special with their family for a full few hours of fun and memories. Nope, they are so focused on what they are missing out on that moms end up with memories of being angry and frustrated that their plans never turn out quite right.

Oh, and don’t forget that someone will end up with diarrhea on the day of your plans, because there is nothing better for making memories than dealing with explosive poo…

#9 Real moms live by the motto “better late than never”

Thank you cards for your sons birthday in April? They may go out in October, but at least they happened!

Let’s face it, life is fricking busy and hard and we all need  an extra 5-6 hours in the day to get everything on our list done. For example, every year I painstakingly create amazing Christmas cards for our family. I stage great photos of my kids and take at least 100 pictures to finally get one where they are all smiling and not punching each other. I spend hours on the computer testing layouts and themes before finally ordering a million cards so I can properly show off my family at the most wonderful time of the year.

Then I forget to hand them out at Christmas parties and don’t realize it until after the holiday whirlwind has come to an end. FML. Now i get to be the jacka$$ that sends out Christmas cards after the new year has begun….better late than never I guess!

Real moms get sh*t done….just not always exactly when we hoped. Deal with it.

#10 Moms have the worlds best timing

Whenever a REAL mom sits down to eat a meal, especially one that includes finger foods, at least one child will suddenly have to poo. This isn’t such a big deal, except that, as the mom is taking her first bite, said child will inexplicably forget how to wipe their own bottom. Nothing like wiping up poo and then using those hands to put food in your face!

It seems that whatever moms do, our timing is always obnoxiously bad. Gotta poop? Moms will choose the moment when everyone seems occupied and happy only to pop a squat and suddenly have all hell break loose.  God forbid we poop in peace!

Baking something time sensitive? Let the injuries begin! Someone will wreck their knees and require medical attention that will take just long enough to burn whatever was on the stove.

Moms require a serious sense of humor, or mass amounts of wine, to deal with the Murphey’s law like effects of living with children!

how do you “mom so hard”?

 

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