10 Reasons Your Elf Didn’t Move Last Night

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If mornings don’t suck enough, add sad faces when the children discover that their beloved Elf On The Shelf has not moved during the night.

He has remained in the same spot he was found in yesterday and, thus, did not make the trip home to Santa to discuss how awesome his little humans are….

Obviously, this is their fault, and here are 10 reasons why! Continue reading “10 Reasons Your Elf Didn’t Move Last Night”

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A 30 Something Birthday Poem

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Happy Birthday to me,
Is not what you say,
Unless you are seven,
And just want to play.

Remember the days
Of keg stands and shots?
Celebrating til dawn
Vodka numbing our thoughts?

Hangovers past 30
Prepare you for death,
They are painful and dirty
Don’t smell your own breath!

I’ll pass on the party,
and the fruits of hard liquors,
I’ll celebrate smartly,
With a box of wine in my nickers.

Just kidding, calm down,
Well the wine part is true,
But I’ll wear my yoga pants
So as not to offend you.

My Husband wants a HAPPY Birthday,
If you know what I mean,
That’s all well and good,
But I want my house clean!

Wine and a maid,
That’s my Birthday wish,
Fermented grapes I’ll supply,
But no maid and broom to swish.

No matter I say,
This day is best
With my family to hold
Screw all the rest.

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5 Tips To Organize And Keep Your Child’s Room Clean, Contributed By Demi

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Every parent is well familiar with the fact that keeping their children’s room in a presentable condition proves to be a complete nightmare. Socks and clothes tend to end up on the floor. The same is valid for toys, books, stationary etc. If you are a parent struggling with this problem, continue reading this article.

Proper organization of your child’s possessions is of crucial importance if one wishes to be able to walk across the room without having to constantly manoeuvre,  avoiding Barbie dolls, teddy bears and school textbooks, or their favorite Harry Potter books. Naturally, to achieve lasting results, parents are required to instill a sense of discipline and organization in their children. This is the easiest way to ensure your child’s space will be well-kept, organized and clean. Here are a few tips we recommend in order to keep your kids’ room easy to clean.



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10 Reasons I’m A Dreadful Parent

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  1. I often warm up my hands on my children…even the baby is not safe.
  2. I make my kids come all the way up from downstairs to fetch me something that is 5 feet from the comfy chair I am currently living in.5127279893_8de7bc35fc_n
  3. Sometimes I threaten to throw the kids into a volcano if they don’t stop fighting.
  4. I will throw self control to the wind on rough days and break out the candy early, then claim the kids can’t have any because it’s too late and they could get cavities.
  5. There have been a few occasions where an event we were supposed to attend was cancelled (ok, one time I just REALLY didn’t want to go) so I told the children we could not appear at said event unless they cleaned their rooms and did their chores…basically I chose tasks I knew they would fail at. Teaching responsibility is rough.
  6. I specifically buy cookies and candies that I know they dislike so they will leave my munchies alone.
  7. I make fun of them behind their backs…for examplewp_20150803_004-2, “Do you think the baby will be our most beautiful child, but also the dumbest?”
  8. 5, 10, 120 second rule….screw it. Dust it off and shove it in your face, honey. Unless food falls into something suspiciously muddy or wet I really don’t care if it was on the floor. Don’t waste it, it’s fine, eat up.
  9. I hate playing games with my small children. Candyland is an exercise in patience I don’t have. I do it because they LOVE it, but my OCD goes nuts and I require alcohol to muddle through without a freakout.
  10. Sometimes I threaten to cut my daughters hair if she won’t let me play with it….I have one daughter who only wants “hippie floats  in the wind” as a hairstyle…let me braid it dammit!

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The Twilight Zone-5 Kids On A Plane

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We are not avid travelers. In the last 10 years I have been on 3 plane rides. One of these I flew with a fussy 6 month old, the second I managed to control a 3 and 1 year old without serious incident, the final was a belated, mini honeymoon for my husband and I. Freaking fabulous travelers we are.

I think we can safely say I don’t have a lot of experience with children on planes.

Why then, on God’s green earth, did I think it expedient to put 5 children on a plane!?

It’s ok. Deep breathes. Holy crap we are so getting kicked off this flight.

We are flying in to Las Vegas on a borderline red-eye flight (yeah yeah, 3333523138_b5d44ea199_zwe’re cheap, I get it) where we will then rent a car and drive another 2 hours to my mother’s house in Bullhead City Arizona.

If you don’t know where Bullhead City, AZ is, ask anyone who has ever been to the aouthwest and they will ask you why the heck you want anything to do with Bullhead City. That’s as a good an answer as any, trust me.

Back to my flight nightmare. It’s really only a 2 hour flight. However, 2 hours can turn into 7,200 seconds of hell. Where each second feels like a day and with every disgusted look from your fellow passengers your confidence in your level of parenting dies a little.

To quell the inevitable boredom and forestall WWIII, I have UNO, a deck of cards, cookies, fruit snacks, candy corn and…

WTF am I doing!? I have a baby bag prepared with crack for kids on a plane ride?

Fudge that, gotta repack that bag, but I’m keeping the candy corn and cookies for bribes….screw it. Fruit snacks are fruity, that counts as healthy. I don’t have time to repack anything anyway.

We also have one tablet with some crap kids games and a movie or two loaded on it somewhere…Perhaps I should have been more proactive in the preparation of this device. Mom fail. Ugh. What else can I occupy these little monsters with?

Benadryl….? I promised myself I would never use drugs on my kids, but I have to admit it is tempting…Imagine how nice a plane ride would be at 10pm with no one screaming or fighting? The other passengers would bask in my amazing parenting skills.

 

How does she do it? 5 kids on a plane and every one of them is calm and glassy, I mean, bright eyed. Amazing!”

HAbsolut Vodka Mini Bottlea! Even with Benadryl I couldn’t pull that off with these little heathens, better to bring cash hidden in my boot for the vodka, I mean, beverage cart and push through the chaos.

How bad could it really be? it’s only 5 kids…..

Can anyone front me some Xanax?
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6 Things I Forgot To Do Before Leaving On Vacation

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Vacation, vacation, vacation. Ahhhhh, this word means so many things. It means watching my children make memories and have the time of their lives. It means not doing dishes or vacuuming. Vacation is a time to do things we don’t usually get to do; relax, collect shells, jet ski, see amazing monuments, etc.

Getting ready for these super awesome moments can be quite the debacle, however. Packing up everything just for myself is tough enough. I always seem to forget something important. Add in 5 tiny humans and it may be easier just to buy everything they need once we arrive at our destination!

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Compelling, Alluring, Blogging “ME”

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The other day while I was showing off my baby to one of Big J’s clients, he said the darnedest thing.

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Big J, he’s so handsome 🙂

OK, let’s pause for a moment to explain a few things.  First of all, Big J is my main squeeze, and the father to all my tiny demons. Second, YES I do regularly interrupt his sessions to display my littlest human. Not only am I shameless and adore the praise we receive but I also use this method to assert my dominance over my territory. This may sound childish, and it abso-fricking-lutely is, but, trust me, some of the ladies that come to our house to “train” are looking for a little extra “stretch” at the end of their session, if you catch my drift. So I brandish my child in those biznatches faces and feel all powerful and secure and stuff.

Moving on…or back…whichever.




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Ditch the Kids for 30 Minutes….You Need This

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5861588680_384a5a4df8_mEveryone on earth knows how busy moms are. We bellyache about our crazy schedules and endless errands across ever social media platform and blog available to man. That’s not the issue. Whether you have 1 child or 7, all moms are harried and overwhelmed. Our time is freaking important and we don’t have a lot of it. Got it.

However, WE are also important. Our families depend on our physical and mental wellbeing and we deserve to pamper those aspects after coddling everyone else 24/7. Personally, I am not the woman who makes time for mani-pedis, solo lunches with the girls, or massages. I pamper myself with my level of fitness. 4-5 days a week I make time to do a 30-45 minute workout that releases my mental stress as well as gives me energy and confidence throughout the day.




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