Do you remember those college days at the gym? You know, where your gym clothes were so tight and hot they were more like an invitation than an attempt to stay cool and flexible during a sweat? When it was just as important to have your hair and make-up perfect as it was to be fashionable while using the thigh master? Whether you worked out alone, or as a harem, college fitness was a mating call, a dance that just happened to keep you tight and firm at the same time.
Fast forward a few years, after you’ve squeezed a few lovelies out of your hooha, and you see a much different story.
1. Tie Up Those Boobies- In college you were concerned about your bra matching your booty shorts. These days your milk jugs have fed any number of children and you’re more worried about containment than drawing attention with your jiggling. Strap on an extra sports bra, mama, those babies are uncomfortable when they wobble.
2. Avoid Leakage- I’m sorry, did you say jump rope? Ok cool, just give me a second to pee. No amount of keagles can keep you from peeing your pants when you’re jumping up and down for God knows how many minutes. Remember when the light of your life ripped through your body to emerge in a heap on your chest? Yeah, that moment; the moment your learned what love was, also destroyed your hooha and all surrounding tissue….giggle=pee, sneeze=pee, jump rope=double pee.
3. Do Push-Ups- The dreaded push-up is perhaps the best, and most difficult move for many women. This ab killer, shoulder destroyer, and thigh cruncher, will tone the front of your bod like nothing else. It sucks. Add a tiny human to the mix and you have yourself hell on earth. As soon and you plant yourself in plank, your little one will think, “play time!” If push-ups weren’t hard enough add another 20-50lbs on your back. This extra weight block is also unstable, teetering and ready to roll for a giggle, your abs and frustration will be on fire! Keep pushing mama, you can do it.
4. Embrace Distractions- Pre-children your workout regime could last as long as you wanted to see and be seen. You could pump iron all day with a smile on your perfectly colored and glossed lips. Now you can’t have 2 minutes to pee alone, much less get fit. As soon as you really get into your routine someone tiny will need to poop and you are required to wipe that butt if you don’t want a gallon of TP in the pot. Halfway through, your kids will begin to fight or one will run into a wall and need a hug. SIGH. Trust me, the more you do it the quicker you will get at quelling baby riots, but they will never stop…
5. Let It Go- Once upon a time all your hormones did was emit sexy vibes and pheromones, now GAS. Since day one of conception all those little devils have been seriously out of whack, and I’m not convinced they will ever recover. You won’t see college hotties belching after burpees or tooting during squats after Taco Tuesday…But you’re a mom, you don’t have time to care or the energy to clench up.
6. Do Box Jumps- Jumping again? Fine, peeing again.
7. Relax It’s Just Exhuastion- Don’t freak yourself out by reminiscing about your pre-mama energy level. Yes, there was a time you could do 1,000 jumping jacks and giggle while an entire fraternity cheered your perky, bouncy self on. Present day you, by contrast, hasn’t slept in years, is emotionally stretched, has coffee for breakfast and still struggles with back pain from that baby that lived inside you for 9 years, I mean months. Trust me, your workout will give you more energy in the end but it’s gonna SUCK getting there! Some days 30 minutes of sit ups, bench press, squats, etc. feels like death on a stick.
8. Put On Your Ugly Face- We already touched on how amaze-balls you once looked while searching for Mr. Right, or maybe just Mr. Right Now, at the gym a million years ago. Screw her. Today, you have to squeeze what once took hours, into 30 minutes. Any more than that and kids will start to lose their minds. Thus you have to work EXTRA hard to get what you want out of your workout. So strap on your ugly face and roar on through. You won’t be making flirty, wink eyes at anyone while you grunt and groan through pull-ups and the dreaded burpee.
Yup, your workout regime, and goals, have definitely changed since popping out babies. Fitness is important to our mental and physical health though, so keep on peeing through those jumps and grunt through the minions on your back during push-ups. You’re a freaking rock star!