Following a lovely visit to the Lady Doctor the other day that required recovery via a box of wine a small dark room and music by Sarah McLachlan, I got to thinking. I had felt this way before, and not just after a pelvic exam. The preparation, the visit, the aftermath….all these things women go through during their yearly gyno visit correspond closely with what occurs on a first date….It’s no wonder so many people are choosing to be single!
So here are 7 similarities between my visit to the Lady Doc and first dates:
You Shave Your Legs
Let’s face it, as a wife of many years I only shave my legs if I am forced to wear a skirt in close quarters or have an upcoming visit with the gyno. However, long ago, I remember shaving and lotioning my limbs at even the HINT of a hot date….
you Groom Your Lady Parts
It may sounds a bit skanky but a hot date might lead to other hot things so a manicured hooha was key when clubbin’ with Mr. Hopefully Right. While I’m not hoping for a hot romp in the sheets with my lady doctor, I sure as hell want her to think I’m still worthy of it! God forbid, my gyno see my lady parts looking like a hobo without a comb….
Ah, the first date is filled with awkward filler. “What do you do?” “What are your hobbies?” Giggle, giggle, cough, head to the ladies room to powder your nose. Chit chatting about daily life in orer to avoid larger, more personal details is how you get to date number two and how you power through spread your legs with a person you barely you know with only a sheet allowing you a shred of dignity while a foot long Q-Tip heads your way.
tell White Lies
Yeah, yeah, lying is wrong, it’s a sin, it’s bad for your soul, blah blah blah. Whether you lie by omission or reduce the number of boyfriends you’ve had, you’re not telling the truth. “Oh, no, Miss. Lady Doctor, I never have more than 5 small glasses of wine per week,” “Yes, of course I take a vitamin daily and always remember my birth control….” On that first date you fib to yourself about not looking for anything long term and that slipping on your sexiest lingerie is for your own comfort and not the off chance that your possible future husband might like it. Don’t forget about telling your date how responsible and mature you are and leaving out crying into your wine while your cat barfs into you cereal at 3am after a lonely Saturday night.
If you happen to make it to this stage on a first date, well, good for you! I’m not gonna call you slutty, but I will say, “be careful, put on ‘raincoats,’ choose wisely”, all that mom BS. And have fun getting naked! Let’s face it, we all have flaws, and often in that first getting naked moment we feel self conscious while also trying to come off as sexy, desirable, date #2 material. Sadly, it ain’t like the movies folks! You try getting skinny jeans off without looking like a snake wrestling out if it’s skin! Inevitably your smooth attempt to rid yourself of your bra results in a strange, non-erotic dance, and the underwear you try to provocatively toss with your toes will trip you up and fly back in your face. The gyno naked dance is much the same. As soon as the nurse tosses what she calls a sheet (NAPKIN!) my way, I begin stripping as quickly as possible while keeping eyes on the door. God forbid the woman who is going to investigate every corner of my VaJayay see me naked! I trip out of my pants, toss my shirt willy nilly in the corner and then attempt to shake of my bra and underwear while straining to hold up the “sheet” so no one sees my birthday suit. My sprint into nakedness will end just as the doctor opens the door, 30 seconds after the nurse closed it, and I will try to look casual while panting as a bead of sweat drips between my boobs. Awesome. Lady Doctor or new boyfriend, you’re sweaty attempt to jump out of your clothes is never as titillating as you hope.
no ugly Undies allowed
Whether your first date will end in losing clothing or not, you always prepare with some sexy underclothes. Likewise, while I know that my stop at the lady doctor will absolutely NOT lead to a sexy encounter, it doesn’t stop me from ditching my granny pannies and choosing a pair that makes my butt look decent. Just the prospect that someone else my might see my underwear, even if they are just draped over a chair, will have me hiding my holey, threadbare embarrassments.
The Awkward Goodbye
Oh, did you just see my lady parts, under a really bright light, possibly with a magnifying glass while probing and asking insignificant lifestyle questions? No worries, I feel totally normal about that, just let me slip back into my street clothes and act like nothing embarrassing happened….see you next time? Hopefully this isn’t the conversation you’d be having after ending a first date with a little make out sesh’…nevertheless, first date farewell’s are always a tad awkward. Do you linger a bit to see if it goes farther? Do you break off first so you have more control or will that come off disinterested? Whichever choice you make you always look a little like you don’t know what you’re doing or what you want and a goofy giggle escapes even if you aren’t drunk.. My voice definitely cracked on date #1 with my now husband and always seems to do so mid “see you next time” at the gyno as well. This causes an awkward and embarrassing giggle, pushing Wine ‘O’Clock back from 8pm to as soon as I can find a big enough cup.
What awkward and embarrassing situations link the gyno and first dates for you?