Ah, morning sickness; because labor and delivery are so easy at the end of pregnancy SOMEONE (we won’t name names) decided that us women should have to go through a bit of a rough patch at the beginning of pregnancy to make up for it.
If you didn’t already know, “morning” sickness is a ginormous pile of crap. Whoever came up with that name is a wretched liar and should have horrible diarrhea for a long period of time…like 3 months at least.
Morning sickness is a term that refers to the constant, all day, all night nausea that accompanies the first three months of pregnancy. Glorious. NOT just the morning, people!
Lucky for us, or we would never get pregnant, whoever coined the term “morning sickness” didn’t know what he was talking about. He also forget to mention all the other wonderful things a woman can expect in the first trimester….
- Saint Bernard Syndrome- You thought drool would only be an issue when the baby was actually born? Think again and let the water works begin! As if barfing up a storm wasn’t bad enough, you can also expect to excrete massive amounts of saliva that make you want to spit like a camel or, you guessed it, vomit some more!
- Gas- All those hormones rolling around your tummy are not only creating nausea on a massive scale, they are also building up burps and farts that can clear entire rooms! If my husband wasn’t already disgusted with my constant puking and lack of hygiene due to exhaustion, he pretty much wants to sleep downstairs with the noxious fumes my baby filled body can now emit. I must admit, I’m slightly proud….
- Pooping Problems- Have you ever had a poop the size, shape, and consistency of a baseball? Well get ready because horrible constipation is one awesome side effect of the first trimester. Let me tell you, it hurts! It also contributes to extra nausea, cause you’re obviously feeling just a little TOO good during this period.
- The Food Conundrum- When you get the stomach flu, you don’t eat right? Thus, nausea should always mean you don’t want food? Welcome to pregnancy, where if you don’t eat for too long, you get nauseous, if you eat the wrong thing, you throw up, and if you eat too much you barf your guts out. Don’t get too excited when you finally find a food that seems to work for your belly, either….you’ll projectile vomit that right back up tomorrow.
- Erratic Temperature Issues– I’m freaking freezing ALL the damn time! Even when I have gone through the first trimester in the warm summer months, I have found myself constantly colder than usual. It’s obnoxious! What’s even worse, is if I happen to be able to warm up I will quickly get too hot…. HOT= VOMIT…. FREEZING= SHIVERING= VOMIT….So basically you’re going to be the world’s most miserable wretch for 3 months…YEAY!
With all this to look forward to, it truly is amazing that we ever allow men anywhere near us…until we see an adorable little bundle of pink or blue at the store and we forget the horror our bodies will go through and demand our own bundle IMMEDIATELY!
Morning sickness does have it’s perks….
More Sickness = More Hormones = Healthier Pregnancy
…I guess I can take 3 months of hell to insure a wiggling bundle of happy, healthy baby at the end.