20 Things I Do In A Day To Ruin My Kids’ Lives: Part 1

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While my main goal is to get my children through each day without dying, I apparently am slowing killing their souls with my every action.

The amount of crying, whining, groaning, incessant wailing, and foot stomping indicates that I am constantly working towards their inevitable destruction.

In order to slowly ruin my children’s lives each day, I make them:

1. Change out of their pajamas- I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that your skin was attached to your PJ’s, it must be with the amount of screaming coming from taking them off.

2. Take a bath- I never realized dirt was so freaking important to your health that scrubbing it off would kill you!

3. GO to school- Ugh, learning, it’s like death on a stick…get out of the house NOW

4. Wash their face- Woops, I guess I can now use “gently scrubbing ketchup off your face” as a torture device!

5. Wash their hair- I use tear free shampoo and aim to avoid getting water in their eyes, yet they scream like I’m dousing them in acid…

6. Ask them to clean up their mess- I am so sorry that I am attempting to teach you responsibility…I know your friends will judge you.

7. Eat their vegetables-Those little green, yellow, and orange pieces of ICK are obviously full of cyanide rather than nutrients, my bad.

8. Get out of the bath- Your wrinkled little fingers are creeping me out and the water has been cold for 20 minutes, yet you cling to the bath curtain like I’m pulling you into an icy abyss, GET OUT!

9. Stay home from school- I promise your friends won’t abandon you or decide you are a total nerd while you are home sick for one freaking day!

10. Clean up their messes- I never realized that 5 minutes of cleaning (dragged into 30 from whining and stalling) would dissolve your emotional state into a puddle…

11. Go to the store- We need food to survive…you will live through 30 minutes of Walmart

12. Leave them home from the store- Considering the amount of whining that occurs whenever I make you go to the store you would think you would want to stay home when you can…Yet whenever I get the chance to venture out on my own I have 5 tiny monsters attached to my heals, crying that I can’t possibly leave without them.

13. Avoid 100 pounds of candy- Yes, candy is delicious, no you cannot survive on ONLY sugar…Sorry loves, your kicking and screaming will not sway my decision to avoid early onset diabetes with you!

14. Eat different food each night- No, you cannot have your favorite meal each night; we cannot just each chicken nuggets. You will not vomit from variety…

15. Play outside- The sun is out; GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. Vitamin D is good for you and you may not survive if you stay inside ONE MORE SECOND.

16. Come inside- It’s dinner time, you have to eat, I had to push your little butts out of the house 3 hours ago, how the heck is it that I have to drag your asses back in for sustenance!?

17. Come home from their friends’ houses- I get it, you love your buddies and their parents are obviously WAAAAY cooler than us…but you have to come home….You have chores. Mwahahahaha!

18. Stop playing CandyLand at 3 rounds- As fun as it is to watch you melt down when you pull the gumdrop card and have to backpedal down the path…I’m DONE; Candyland= need for wine and a mommy time out!

19. Do your own homework- Yes I know how to divide 12 by 3 and NO I will not give you the answer.  As your tiny body melts off the sofa in a bout of groans I realize that doing your own work is killing your soul…TOUGH NUGGETS.

20. Go to bed at a reasonable hour- Obviously we will be throwing an amazing party with awesome prizes and featuring movies you have been DESPERATE to see, as soon as you go to bed…or at least this is what you think you will be missing out on considering the amount of stalling going on at EVERY bedtime.


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23 thoughts on “20 Things I Do In A Day To Ruin My Kids’ Lives: Part 1

  1. My kids never want to go to the store with me haha, not that I want to take them anyways. My kids hate when I have them do all of these things too though so funny.

  2. I was starting to feel like I was the only one “ruining” my kids life. LOL! I swear the littlest things is like the end of the world for them.

  3. Making my son brush his teeth is apparently akin to asking him to remove his skin with a toothbrush, lol. We are horrible mothers for expecting our kids to have good hygiene!

  4. Haha! This is probably every child’s thought process. We are sometimes seen as mean or bad when we are doing our job as a good parent.

  5. HA! If that’s the case I ruin so much of my children’s lives as well. I could totally relate to these. It’s crazy what they think when all you want to do is to let them live their lives the best way possible.

  6. LOL it’s so true!! As kids grow and want ever more independence, their desire to say no — even to things that are good for them — becomes hilariously strong. (Except on those days you just want to cry as they say no to everything.) Someday though they will turn around and thank you for all of these things.

  7. Isn’t it crazy? My kids crack me up sometimes when I tell them to brush their teeth – but why? “do we have to?” Yes kids, you need to have good oral hygiene. I don’t remember my mom telling me these things about me – such a different generation!

  8. It’s so amazing how so many of these are contradicting. Like school, don’t want to go, but upset when you have to stay home. Don’t want to bath but refuse to leave the tub. Kids are hilarious.

  9. Yep, according to my nieces and nephews, you are ruining your kids lives!! LOL, way to go mom and keep up the good work!

  10. Hahahaha! Kids are so funny! My son would never get out of the bath as small child. He would dance and sing. Then as a preteen you had to remind him. My teenage daughter likes to take hour long steaming showers so there’s not hot water for anyone else!

  11. My son acts as though I’m torturing him when I wash his hair. I try to be so careful not to get water in his eyes but he’s usually thrashing around and screaming so it’s quite an ordeal.

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