While my main goal is to get my children through each day without dying, I apparently am slowing killing their souls with my every action.
The amount of crying, whining, groaning, incessant wailing, and foot stomping indicates that I am constantly working towards their inevitable destruction.
In order to slowly ruin my children’s lives each day, I make them:
1. Change out of their pajamas- I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that your skin was attached to your PJ’s, it must be with the amount of screaming coming from taking them off.
2. Take a bath- I never realized dirt was so freaking important to your health that scrubbing it off would kill you!
3. GO to school- Ugh, learning, it’s like death on a stick…get out of the house NOW
4. Wash their face- Woops, I guess I can now use “gently scrubbing ketchup off your face” as a torture device!
5. Wash their hair- I use tear free shampoo and aim to avoid getting water in their eyes, yet they scream like I’m dousing them in acid…
6. Ask them to clean up their mess- I am so sorry that I am attempting to teach you responsibility…I know your friends will judge you.
7. Eat their vegetables-Those little green, yellow, and orange pieces of ICK are obviously full of cyanide rather than nutrients, my bad.
8. Get out of the bath- Your wrinkled little fingers are creeping me out and the water has been cold for 20 minutes, yet you cling to the bath curtain like I’m pulling you into an icy abyss, GET OUT!
9. Stay home from school- I promise your friends won’t abandon you or decide you are a total nerd while you are home sick for one freaking day!
10. Clean up their messes- I never realized that 5 minutes of cleaning (dragged into 30 from whining and stalling) would dissolve your emotional state into a puddle…
11. Go to the store- We need food to survive…you will live through 30 minutes of Walmart
12. Leave them home from the store- Considering the amount of whining that occurs whenever I make you go to the store you would think you would want to stay home when you can…Yet whenever I get the chance to venture out on my own I have 5 tiny monsters attached to my heals, crying that I can’t possibly leave without them.
13. Avoid 100 pounds of candy- Yes, candy is delicious, no you cannot survive on ONLY sugar…Sorry loves, your kicking and screaming will not sway my decision to avoid early onset diabetes with you!
14. Eat different food each night- No, you cannot have your favorite meal each night; we cannot just each chicken nuggets. You will not vomit from variety…
15. Play outside- The sun is out; GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. Vitamin D is good for you and you may not survive if you stay inside ONE MORE SECOND.
16. Come inside- It’s dinner time, you have to eat, I had to push your little butts out of the house 3 hours ago, how the heck is it that I have to drag your asses back in for sustenance!?
17. Come home from their friends’ houses- I get it, you love your buddies and their parents are obviously WAAAAY cooler than us…but you have to come home….You have chores. Mwahahahaha!
18. Stop playing CandyLand at 3 rounds- As fun as it is to watch you melt down when you pull the gumdrop card and have to backpedal down the path…I’m DONE; Candyland= need for wine and a mommy time out!
19. Do your own homework- Yes I know how to divide 12 by 3 and NO I will not give you the answer. As your tiny body melts off the sofa in a bout of groans I realize that doing your own work is killing your soul…TOUGH NUGGETS.
20. Go to bed at a reasonable hour- Obviously we will be throwing an amazing party with awesome prizes and featuring movies you have been DESPERATE to see, as soon as you go to bed…or at least this is what you think you will be missing out on considering the amount of stalling going on at EVERY bedtime.